Highlighting the Worst Hats In Baseball: Round One

By Andrew Meyer

Hello CFB readers. While Jake gave me an introduction earlier, I was (and still am) busy with school, and thus posting has been something hard to get around too while I work on projects/have panic attacks/wonder why the inevitable heat death of the universe is so far off.

I will do a formal introduction later on, but there is something much more important to discuss. Hats.

But while most talk of hats is joyous, there is also the dark side of hats, and the goal of this series is to highlight the worst that can be offered. Since this is the first entry, I will keep it short, plus I should be writing an English paper right now.

First off we have….. this…. wow. It’s official name is Miami Marlins MLB Straw-Fit Cap, and it is $38, and is 70% Paper. Never wear this outside, in any situation actually. The Marlins are kind of an easy target, and there are several other ones on the store that are worthy of inclusion, but this….. wow. It actually is not the worst Marlins hat I have ever seen, but it is close. Who is this targeted toward?  Like really? I cannot handle this. MORE THAN HALF OF THIS IS PAPER, THIS HAT HAS 20 GRADE DURABILITY. The actual Marlins Logo also looks bootleg here, and if they are going for this aesthetic, why use the default colors? Like, how does this happen?

For those who listen to the PRODcast, I emailed them about this “hat”, the #Barves Fulltone Hat, available now for $37 dollars. Apparently the Barves are not the only team cursed with this color scheme, but since I saw theirs first, they get the shine. Just…… WUT. Parts of the dots are raised as well, because sure why not. The pink, the green, the yellow, the blue…it’s like my printer had a stillbirth. And you know this hat went through like 50 rounds of focus tests. Like how reddit has ruined being an atheist, this hat almost made me burn all of mine and starting over with watches or something. This is 20 grade want personified (perhatified?). I honestly thought there could be no worse, but I doubted humanities capacity for failure, and look what that gets me.

OH SWEET THIS COMBINES MY FAVORITE THINGS. SAVAGE RACIST CARICATURE, BLACK FACE, AND PLASTERING THE AMERICAN FLAG ON EVERYTHING POSSIBLE. ROLL DAMN TIDE. I DON’T WANT TO KNOW HOW MUCH THEY ARE GOING TO CHARGE FOR THIS BECAUSE IT WILL BE INANITY DOLLARS TOO MUCH.

Thus concludes round one. Good Night, and Good Luck.